THREE ELDERLY MEN are at the doctor's office for an intelligence test.

The doctor asks the first man, �What is three times three?�

�274,� he replies.

The doctor asks the second man, �What is three times three?�

�Tuesday,� replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, �Okay, your turn. What's three times three?�

�Nine,� says the third man.

�That's great!� says the doctor. �How did you get that?�

�Simple,� says the third man. �I subtracted 274 from Tuesday.�

A MAN RECEIVES A PHONE CALL from his doctor. The doctor says: �The results of your medical tests are in, and I have good news and bad news.�

The man asks for the good news first.

�The good news is that you have 24 hours to live,� says the doctor.

The man responds, �If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??�

�I couldn't reach you yesterday.�

WHILE DIGGING A SHAFT into the German homeland, German scientists discovered small pieces of copper at 50 meters. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. The British ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. At a depth of 100 meters, they discovered small pieces of glass. Soon the British announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100, and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. The Israelis concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, �Who was that??!!�

�Oh,� replies the husband, �that is my mistress.�

The wife says, �That's it; I want a divorce.�

�I understand,� replies her husband, �but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours.�

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. �Who's that woman with Jim?� she asks.

�That's his mistress,� replies her husband.

�Ours is prettier,� says the wife.

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