RECOGNIZING AN OLD FRIEND, Rizwan said, �What happened to you, Aqell? You�ve lost weight. You used to
have hair, and now you are bald. You used to have perfect eyesight, and now you wear glasses.�
The man looked at Rizwan in amazement. �Listen, mister, my name is not Aqell. It is Ahmed.�
�My goodness, you�ve changed your name too!�
LOAN OFFICER: �Based on your credit history, it seems the kind of loan you qualify for is an auto loan.�
Customer: �You mean money to buy a car?�
Loan officer: �I mean money you lend yourself.�
FROM A PASSENGER SHIP one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving
his hands.
�Who is it?� asked a passenger to the captain.
�I have no idea. Every year we pass, he goes mad.�
TRYING TO EARN some money one summer, I went door-to-door to see if any neighbor wanted their grass cut.
At one house, a woman told me no, her husband mowed their lawn. As the door shut, however, I heard
knocking on an upstairs window. Then a man opened the window and floated a piece of paper to me. It
read: �Lawnmower in back of garage. Every Tuesday at 1 p.m. $10 will be under the doormat. Shhhh.
MY GRANDMOTHER AND I were touring the local university. �All these new buildings make me feel old,� she
remarked.
�They build new buildings all the time,� I reassured her.
�Yes dear,� she replied, �but these are all named after my friends.�
AS NEW STUDENTS AT A LAW SCHOOL, many of us were unfamiliar with the campus and consequently late for
class. One professor, however was particularly intolerant of tardiness. So when a student stumbled into his
class one morning late, we expected the worst.
Obviously upset, the professor demanded the reason for the student�s tardiness. �I was waiting in line
to buy your new textbook,� she replied nervously.
Gazing out at the rest of the class, the professor asked, �Well, why weren�t the rest of you late?�
DURING SERMON OUR CLERGYMAN stated that money wasn�t important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there
is no money, I overheard one parishioner whisper to her mother, �Did you hear that, Mom? We�re already
in heaven.�
TWO MONTHS BEFORE my pregnant mother was due, my sister who was five years old at the time, began asking
for a brother. On the happy day, father took the little girl to greet the new arrival. Looking at her new baby
brother, she burst into tears. When asked what was wrong, she said, �I wanted an older brother.�
A BOY LEAVING THE MOVIE THEATER after seeing Apollo 13 turned to a companion and said, �No wonder they
had problems � Forrest Gump was doing the driving.�
OUR SON WAS A DISC JOCKEY on a university radio station. One day, he ran through his material faster then
expected. He asked listeners for requests, but no one phoned. Sam played a few more hard-rock numbers,
and asked for calls after each one. Still no response.
Finally he got serious with the audience. �Okay,� he said. � I�ll play hardball. If I don�t get any requests
during the next number, I�ll play something my parents would like.�
The phone rang immediately.
A fROG TELEPHONES THE Psychic Hotline and is told, �You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will
want to know everything about you.�
The frog says, � This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?�
�No,� says the psychic. �Next semester in her biology class.�
ONE OF MY CUSTOMERS at the U.S. Department of Motor Vehicles wanted a personalized license plate with his
wedding anniversary on it, as we completed the paper work he explained, �This way I can�t forget the
date.�
A few hours later, I recognized the same young man waiting in my line. When his turn came, he said
somewhat sheepishly, � I need to change the numbers on that plate application.�
�WHY ARE YOU SO SAD?� a man was asked.
�My aunt�s just died,� he said.
�But you were never very fond of her.�
�I know,� he said, �but I was the means of keeping her in a lunatic asylum during the last five years of
her life. She has left me all her money and now I�ve got to prove that she was of sound mind.�
THE HEALTH OFFICIAL was showing a party of visitors around the mental hospital and as they walked through
the gate they heard a loud noise coming from behind the wall that surrounded the asylum. In the shadow of
the bushes a young man was attacking the wall with a heavy hammer and a crowbar. The official left the
party and said to the man, �What on earth are you doing?�
�Hush!� came the reply. �Can�t you see I�m trying to break out of here?� and he resumed his slamming
of the wall.
�Look,� said the official, �there�s a gate just across there.�
The inmate smiled knowingly, �I know that,� he admitted, �but it squeaks.�
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